Choosing a Valentine's Day Movie: A Comprehensive Guide
Me choosing a Valentine's Day movie for you is like picking a chocolate out of one of those heart-shaped Russell-Stover boxes that's missing its map. You just don't know what you're gonna get - or if it's gonna make you barf. I've put together a comprehensive list of the Valentine's Day movies that I'd choose for myself any day of the year. It's uniquely categorized; My definitions of love and romance are questionable at best. Proceed with caution.
And Happiest of Valentine's Days to you and yours.
Be Romantic
Classics.
- The Philadelphia Story - Obviously.
- Something New - More people should see this.
- Joe vs. The Volcano - Favorite Hanks/Ryan combo.
- Mansfield Park - OMG, Jane Austen.
- The Turning Point - Ballet! Baryshnikov! Bancroft!
- Blast from the Past - This is the best rom-com ever made. Don't question me.
- Phantom of the Opera - Schumacher does Weber. Match made in heaven.
- Field of Dreams - The man loves his father. And baseball, dammit.
- Magic Mike - Seriously. Will defend to my death.
- Ali: Fear Eats the Soul - Real, raw, German love.
- Chocolat - A little sex, a lotta chocolate.
- It Happened One Night - Is there anything better?
Be Aggressively Romantic
Classics with edge.
- Punch-Drunk Love - As much pudding as it takes.
- The Birds - Tippi gets a boyfriend and so much more! (Birds).
- Serious Moonlight - Tie your cheating husband to a toilet, leave him there.
- Candyman - Hellllllennnn.
- Creep - Scary bromance.
- Jennifer's Body - Eat boys. Feel pretty.
- Sweeney Todd - But would you cut throats for love?
- The Runaways - Cherie and Joan forever.
- Romeo + Juliet - Lotta guns in this one.
- The Lobster - Fall in love or pick an animal.
- Eyes Wide Shut - An erotic thriller where no one has any chemistry and it's terrifying.
- The Haunting - If you can't find a man, get you a house.
- Wild at Heart - Sailor and Lula forever.
- Out of the Past - Danger, sex, Jane Greer.
- Nosferatu - He just wants LOVE. And to die. Also your blood.
- Natural Born Killers - If you don't get this, I don't get you.
Take It A Step (or 5) Too Far
You were warned.
- American Mary - Fuck romance, get a bone saw and a storage locker.
- The Devil's Rejects - Family first.
- The Nightmare on Elm Street Series - Freddy is my valentine.
- Freaks - Don't marry people for their money.
- Buffalo '66 - Just kidnap a girl.
- Honeymoon - When your wife isn't your wife anymore.
- Gaslight - If there was ever a time to familiarize yourself with this movie and this term, it is now.
- The St. Valentine's Day Massacre - per IMDB: "Al Capone's Valentine's Day surprise." Classy
- May - Can't find a man, make one.
- Spring Breakers - All the explanation you need is here.
- Dead Alive - Anything for Mother.
Remember to Love Yourself
Self-care, at its finest.
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- Waitress - Own the pie shop.
- About a Boy - No man is an island.
- Inside Out - Sadness is important, too.
- Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion - Invent post it notes. Dance like everyone is watching.
- Pieces of April - Be you. Mom will come around.
- Silver Linings Playbook - No shame in your xanax or your mediocre dancing.
- Stuart Saves His Family - I need Al Franken right now.
But Not That Much
Narcissism kills.
- The Master
- American Psycho
- The Social Network - Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.
- The Fly - Your work is never this important.
- Klaus Kinski does Jesus Christ Saviour
- Every Donald Trump Cameo Ever
Now pick your poison - What's your Valentine's Day movie of choice?
Make your additions to the list in the comments. If I like 'em, I'll add 'em.
